I'm realizing that, much like preparing to get married, there's a darker side to preparing for parenthood.
I had this vision of planning a wedding that involved Brian and I constantly happy, constantly giddy about the wedding and marriage, constantly staying up late immersed in conversation about what we wanted married life to be like. (TALK about expectations!) It didn't take me long to realize that my vision was slightly out of sync with reality.
The reality was that there
were lots of romantic and fun and blissful moments. And there were also moments of true, sincere doubt and fear. And just about every woman I've spoken to who has honestly shared about her experience with engagement has said something similar.
So I don't know why I'm so surprised that there's a darker side to pregnancy as well. Preparing to become a mom is something that is totally thrilling to me - but the strings of depression still pull at my consciousness occasionally. My feeling is that it has more to do with my relationship with Brian than anything else.
He's in a very tough place right now - hating his job and sinking deeper into loneliness and isolation. There's not much I can do to help him right now - he's taking the steps he needs to take in order to change his attitude and his situation. But it's going to take time.
And while he is grappling with his own process, he and I are failing to communicate well and the tools we've used in the past just aren't working. We are bickering, constantly annoyed at each other, and generally not enjoying each other's presence. I don't see this as a huge problem - it's just one of those phases in the ebb and flow cycle of a partnership.
The huge problem, to me, is that he doesn't seem to have any awareness about this pregnancy and can't keep it on his radar for more than a few moments. He told me at dinner on Friday that the timing of this baby is inconvenient for him because he is trying to work on himself. (I almost choked on my meal.) It was an honest observation about himself and his experience, but SO painful for me to hear.
Brian told me when we were in college that he believes he was put here on this earth to be a father. He said that it's the only calling he's every felt. That's why his behavior is so difficult for me to understand and accept. He's spent his whole life looking forward to this and now he finds it inconvenient?
When I'm not angry and resentful that I'm going through this on my own, I remember that he has never behaved like this in the six years we've been together. Ever. He's always been consistent and kind and loving. So now that he's falling short, I need to remember that it's because he's in a tough place,
not because he doesn't want to be a dad or be married to me anymore.
Nevertheless, I've had to make some changes. I'm going to my next check up on my own and I'm joining a birth preparation class without him. It would be worse to have him present at these events, only to complain or act bored than to not have him there at all. His feelings were hurt when I told him he wasn't invited to my next check up, but I think he understands.
The clarity I have about this is a little shocking to me. But the bottom line is clear -
nothing is going to keep me from celebrating this child, not even my husband. I am totally capable of doing this on my own.
But the fact that I feel I have to is still heartbreaking. And
that is the darker side of this pregnancy.
