Ugh

Haven't actually gotten sick yet, but I'm wishing that I could. This nagging nausea is really no fun. I'm also more tired than I've ever been in my life. It takes every bit of strength to get up in the morning and I find myself wanting to crawl back into bed for the rest of the day.

Yesterday was my first day back at work/school since Thanksgiving. My school is in a medical park that is currently having its roof replaced. The tar pit that they are using is parked right outside the window of the classroom and the smell of hot tar has totally invaded the building. NOT what you want to smell when you are queasy. Five hours of that will make anyone lose their lunch.

Anyway, I learned a shiatsu tsubo point that helps with nausea....and it really helped me yesterday. I'll be hammering away at that point for the next few months, I'm sure. :)

I know Brian's focus is on being a dad, since he isn't pregnant. To be honest, though, my focus is really on making it through the next nine months. I'm earth-shatteringly terrified of going through labor. I totally freaked out a few mornings ago when I saw a woman in labor on the Discovery channel.....

I feel equal parts joy and sheer terror at the thought of being a parent. Khalil Gibran says that 'our children come through our homes, but don't come from us. They will be with us but they do not belong to us. We can give them our hopes, but not our thoughts because they arrive with their own hearts.' When I think about parenting like this - I get excited and I feel confident that I can create an environment that will be safe for my child to become the person they are meant to be.

It's when I think of specific parenting situations that I get freaked out. Like what do I do when my kid comes to me and says that they don't want to go to school because the kids on the bus make fun of them? What do I say when he/she doesn't make the soccer team, school play, Chamber Singers, cheerleading squad, etc.? Or what if they get caught doing drugs?

The list goes on and on.

It's also really easy to worry about money. I don't want to work but it would be difficult for us to pull that off without struggling financially. I don't get maternity leave with my company because I am a part-time employee right now. So any time I take off is unpaid (and unprotected).

I know that everything is going to work out exactly the way it should and that all of this will be taken care of. It's just so much to think about!!

First doctor's appointment is this afternoon - I may find out whether or not I'll need surgery. More on that later.

Your eyes are not playing tricks on you. This *is* what you think it is.

Tough to see, but that's definitely a "plus" sign in the results window!

Picture #2 of the positive result.

Oh boy... or girl

I've been feeling very slightly funny the last few days. Nothing horrible, barely even noticeable. I was slightly queasy a couple of mornings last week until I ate something and I've been a little extra tired at the end of each day. I chalked it up to the changing season and an oncoming cold.

Today, I am one day late for my period. I decided to get a pregnancy test after class on my way home. I think I kind of knew that i was pregnant - I had had a vision of a white basinette last week and I realized that I was really feeling a little left of center. I didn't want to get my hopes up, so I just talked myself into believing that I wasn't pregnant.

About three minutes after I got home, I stared at the pregnancy test in disbelief.

Pregnant? Me?

I couldn't believe it! The only thing I could think to do is take pictures of the pregnancy test. I wasn't sure how to tell Brian (or even if I should, since this could be a false positive). Then I realized that I really wanted/needed Brian to be a part of this. So I emailed him the pictures of the pregnancy test and called him so I could be on the phone when he opened up the email.

He was so excited, so totally happy, when he saw those pictures. I told him I thought he should come home but I think he was already on his way.

In the next forty minutes, I called my sister-in-law's OB-GYN and made an initial consult appointment for next week, made an ultrasound appointment for mid December, and asked the office nurse about a million questions about what I should/should not do between now and the initial consultation.

Brian came home and we cried and laughed together for a while. We couldn't stop staring at each other in wonder. I took two more pregnancy tests, all coming out positive. I think it's officially official now, I'm pregnant.

I immediately IM'd Erin and told her. I eventually called Matt and told him too. They are thrilled, of course. I'm going to see my parents on Wednesday night, so I think I'm going to tell them in person. I can't wait - they are going to be so excited!

I'm feeling hesitant about telling anyone in Brian's family just yet....especially since Jenny is due in December. Perhaps once she has had her baby and they have a chance to get settled, we'll tell everyone. I just don't want to steal her thunder.

B and I went out to dinner and every couple of minutes would break into giggles. We kept looking at each other and saying, "Oh my God!"

We've already consulted our copy of "What to Expect When You're Expecting." Right now, if our timing is accurate, our baby is really just a bunch of cells (called a blastocyst). The embryo won't be a fetus for another month or so. Wow.

My best guess is that I'll be due in late August or early September. I guess I'll know more in a few weeks. Hard to believe!

There's so much to do and think about and plan. I really want to enjoy the whole process, but I also want to be spiritually awake for the whole thing. I'm hoping this blog will give me an opportunity to record everything - the physical, emotional, psychological changes, the ups and downs of pregnancy, my fear and joy and excitement, everything!

To our new baby - you are already loved and so, so welcome in our lives. I can't wait to get to know you!!