Big Ol' Update
It's been a while since I really posted how I'm feeling, what I'm thinking, and generally where I'm at with the pregnancy and becoming a mom.
Now that we are only 7 weeks away from our due date, it's hard to focus on anything else!
Physically, I'm feeling more uncomfortable. My back is the main problem and some nights gets really, really painful. I'm really making an effort to do the things that will help soothe the discomfort; walking 1.5 miles every other day, stretching, doing pre-natal yoga, drinking lots of water, getting a massage every other week. But no matter what I do, the back pain isn't just going to go away. I'm pregnant and this is just part of the package.
Sleeping is fitful these days as well. I need lots of props and pillows to get comfortable. I'm up every couple of hours to pee and then have to get myself all resituated with the pillows before I can fall back asleep. I wake up on my back a lot which isn't good (for the baby's oxygen flow, it is recommended to sleep on your side - your left side if possible). I think my body wakes me up whenever I'm on my back to remind me to roll over. So I don't get a lot of uninterrupted sleep. Neither does Brian, poor guy, because I'm congested all the time which makes me snore terribly.
I also have a lot of round ligament pain. It's deep, deep in my joint, where my leg meets my hip. It burns whenever I have to lift my leg to tie my shoe (which I can't do anymore, so Brian has to do it for me), or go up stairs, or roll over in bed. Brian says I make terrible groaning noises in my sleep whenever I roll over. It doesn't surprise me, since every time I roll over, the pain wakes me up a little bit.
But the physical stuff is actually pretty manageable. I have bad days when I get really frustrated, especially with the back pain, but all in all, it's okay. The emotional stuff is the real challenge.
Maybe it's impeding parenthood, maybe it's hormones. But I just don't feel like myself. I'm really, really afraid of labor....which is surprising to me since I'm also really looking forward to it. I've never been in pain for a long period of time before and it's a terrifying thought. It's equally (if not more) terrifying to think of a situation where I'm not necessarily in control of what happens to my body. I have to work on this part - it's the fear that will intensify and amplify the pain. I believe that my body already knows how to give birth. I believe that if millions of women can do it, so can I. But there's this little voice down deep in my brain that says, "You can't do it. You're not strong enough." And that voice is terrifying.
So perhaps the answer is to stop indulging that voice and just meditate on thef act that I CAN do this - and I don't have to do it alone. I'll always have HP with me and I've never been steered astray when I turn things over to my Higher Power.
The other piece of my emotional landscape right now is that I'm weepy....all the time. Actually, that's not true. It's not ALL the time - but some days (like yesterday), anything can make me cry. ANYTHING. I heard a story on NPR the other day about dog fighting and nearly had to pull over because I was so upset by it. To my credit, dog fighting is a cruel institution and is, by nature, upsetting. But I. couldn't. stop. sobbing.
And yesterday, when one of the midwives was less than amiable, I was devastated and got weepy and panicked that our baby would possibly be brought into the world by someone so callus and perfunctory. Then I cried on and off all day whenever she came to mind.
I think it's all pretty normal. The hormones are raging. But I'm so used to being more even keel and having (or being able to get) perspective on situations rather quickly. So to be a little out of touch with reality and over the top emotionally is a strange place for me to be. I'm trying to embrace it but I just don't feel like myself.
I'm excited about the baby, of course. SO excited. But the fear and the daily roller coaster of emotions is a road block to being more excited, more of the time. And that's a bummer.
The nursery is a wreck, filled with big boxes of swings and strollers and bouncy seats and pack-n-plays. It feels like an insurmountable task to organize it all...but I know it will get done.
I want to write more (especially about making boundaries with the in-laws....huge!) but I have to go run an errand. More later...
Now that we are only 7 weeks away from our due date, it's hard to focus on anything else!
Physically, I'm feeling more uncomfortable. My back is the main problem and some nights gets really, really painful. I'm really making an effort to do the things that will help soothe the discomfort; walking 1.5 miles every other day, stretching, doing pre-natal yoga, drinking lots of water, getting a massage every other week. But no matter what I do, the back pain isn't just going to go away. I'm pregnant and this is just part of the package.
Sleeping is fitful these days as well. I need lots of props and pillows to get comfortable. I'm up every couple of hours to pee and then have to get myself all resituated with the pillows before I can fall back asleep. I wake up on my back a lot which isn't good (for the baby's oxygen flow, it is recommended to sleep on your side - your left side if possible). I think my body wakes me up whenever I'm on my back to remind me to roll over. So I don't get a lot of uninterrupted sleep. Neither does Brian, poor guy, because I'm congested all the time which makes me snore terribly.
I also have a lot of round ligament pain. It's deep, deep in my joint, where my leg meets my hip. It burns whenever I have to lift my leg to tie my shoe (which I can't do anymore, so Brian has to do it for me), or go up stairs, or roll over in bed. Brian says I make terrible groaning noises in my sleep whenever I roll over. It doesn't surprise me, since every time I roll over, the pain wakes me up a little bit.
But the physical stuff is actually pretty manageable. I have bad days when I get really frustrated, especially with the back pain, but all in all, it's okay. The emotional stuff is the real challenge.
Maybe it's impeding parenthood, maybe it's hormones. But I just don't feel like myself. I'm really, really afraid of labor....which is surprising to me since I'm also really looking forward to it. I've never been in pain for a long period of time before and it's a terrifying thought. It's equally (if not more) terrifying to think of a situation where I'm not necessarily in control of what happens to my body. I have to work on this part - it's the fear that will intensify and amplify the pain. I believe that my body already knows how to give birth. I believe that if millions of women can do it, so can I. But there's this little voice down deep in my brain that says, "You can't do it. You're not strong enough." And that voice is terrifying.
So perhaps the answer is to stop indulging that voice and just meditate on thef act that I CAN do this - and I don't have to do it alone. I'll always have HP with me and I've never been steered astray when I turn things over to my Higher Power.
The other piece of my emotional landscape right now is that I'm weepy....all the time. Actually, that's not true. It's not ALL the time - but some days (like yesterday), anything can make me cry. ANYTHING. I heard a story on NPR the other day about dog fighting and nearly had to pull over because I was so upset by it. To my credit, dog fighting is a cruel institution and is, by nature, upsetting. But I. couldn't. stop. sobbing.
And yesterday, when one of the midwives was less than amiable, I was devastated and got weepy and panicked that our baby would possibly be brought into the world by someone so callus and perfunctory. Then I cried on and off all day whenever she came to mind.
I think it's all pretty normal. The hormones are raging. But I'm so used to being more even keel and having (or being able to get) perspective on situations rather quickly. So to be a little out of touch with reality and over the top emotionally is a strange place for me to be. I'm trying to embrace it but I just don't feel like myself.
I'm excited about the baby, of course. SO excited. But the fear and the daily roller coaster of emotions is a road block to being more excited, more of the time. And that's a bummer.
The nursery is a wreck, filled with big boxes of swings and strollers and bouncy seats and pack-n-plays. It feels like an insurmountable task to organize it all...but I know it will get done.
I want to write more (especially about making boundaries with the in-laws....huge!) but I have to go run an errand. More later...
posted by GirlRy @ 7:14 AM
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